relationship

For many people, perhaps for most people, the biggest comfort blanket of all is being in a relationship. And here, by relationship, I mean a sexual, intimate relationship, that lasts for some time: a so-called committed relationship. For many of us, such a relationship is the most important thing in our lives. We find someone, or someone finds us, and we come together, we enjoy each other’s company, we enjoy each other’s bodies, and slowly a bond is formed. That bond is relationship, and it becomes addictive. A mutual dependency arises: both people gaining so much psychologically from the other that neither of them wants to go their separate ways. And so the relationship becomes stable, enduring. And even when things aren’t going so well between the couple, they cling to each other, like rats to a bit of driftwood as the ship is sinking.

Why do we do this? Why do we cling so tenaciously to the comfort blanket of a relationship, even when it is no longer healthy? Of course, there are many aspects to this attachment. One thing to note at the outset is that a relationship is a concept. It’s what the Buddhists would call a mind object. It has no physical reality. And these conceptual entities are always the best ones for the ego to become attached to. They exist only in the mind, and are therefore much less prone to disturbance from the realities of existence in the physical world. The mind can prolong these mind objects well beyond the time when they are serving any useful function.

You know some objects in the mind also exist in reality. I am sitting on a stool. This stool has a physical reality and there is a concept of the stool in my mind. The concept is reflecting something physical, something real. But when it comes to relationship, the concept of relationship is much more abstract. The physical reality is that there are two people wandering about, pursuing their lives and they happen to be sharing space and time, communing with each other with words, with love making, in hundreds of ways. And because there is so much communication, contact, between the two people, this abstract concept of a relationship can come into being.

And with relationship there usually comes some sort of contract. It may be spoken, it may be unspoken. Often the implied contract is that both partners don’t have anything else in their lives that they regard to be such a relationship. It is special. And of course the contract may be stronger: that neither partner should have sexual intercourse with other people. It may be formalised in a marriage declaration. The couple might vow to each other to be together until the day they die. All these signs of commitment, restricting one’s freedom in various ways in order to give extra strength to the relationship, these are all signs that the relationship is primarily there as a comfort blanket. We are gaining, psychologically, a sense of security, a sense of identity, from this relationship.

And of course there is some biological urges behind this attachment as well. We all want to have sex, when it comes down to it. And in most societies, sex is rather frowned upon, unless it is within the context of the stable relationship. And then there is the urge, particularly in women, to have children and to bring up children, and that seems to be much easier within the framework of a committed relationship.

These are some of the practicalities behind this attachment, but in terms of our spiritual path, we must enquire very deeply into ourselves, as to what it is that we are gaining by becoming dependent upon another person in this way. It’s providing some sense of psychological security for us, some sense of identity. And this can be a great obstacle to our spiritual expansion. By focusing so much energy on one person, we are excluding connections with other people. Just as we separate ourselves as an individual from the rest of existence, in a relationship we separate ourselves as a couple from the rest of humanity. The end point of the spiritual journey is one of no separation. And so relationship can cause a great difficulty to us in realising that state of non-separation.

And another aspect of relationship is that it can only exist in time, a prolonged time: days, weeks, months, years. We don’t use the word relationship when we have just met somebody and are chatting to them over a cup of coffee. The concept of relationship involves this ongoing involvement over time. And time is something else which only exists psychologically for us, conceptually. It exists for us because we have memories and because we can imagine a future. But the reality of life, the reality of existence, is momentary. Only this moment now is real. And only when I am living in this present moment am I enlightened. When I am off in the fantasy of the future, or dwelling in memories of the past, I have lost touch with reality. And relationship demands this dance between the past and the future. That’s the very basis of relationship.

So relationship, in many ways, is the very opposite of the spiritual way of being in the world. Having said that, there’s no problem with relating to other human beings – intimately, sexually – and it may turn out that one happens to relate to one person much more than other people. Historically we could look back at our life and say: ‘Oh yes, that person played a much more significant, intimate role in my life than anyone else’. But it’s the psychology, in the moment, in relating to people, that is of importance on the spiritual journey. If we approach it moment-to-moment, without clinging, without that attachment and co-dependency, then all is well and good. But there are some implications in that. There can be no promises about the future. None of us know what tomorrow will bring. And to make vows is a great blasphemy. It’s implying that we know what existence is going to offer us tomorrow, and that’s something that only god can know.

So it is also rather absurd to be in a relationship. It is a fantasy world, and ultimately one that will cause us grief. So if we are to live a life of freedom, that is demanded by the essential part of who we are, if we are to live our life in that way, honouring our spirit, feeling ourselves to be part of the whole of existence, then we have to drop this concept of relationship, this narrow, limiting, restricting concept. We have to drop it completely, and flow through life meeting people spontaneously in the moment, enjoying their company and sharing our energy with them in whatever way feels appropriate in the moment, without reference to the past or the future, without concern for it. Only when we are flowing in life in such an open, spontaneous way, moment to moment, will we be in a position to feel whole and free.

So let’s drop all this conditioning from society, from parents, from the normal way of doing things, and step out into the world with a lighter touch, more open, more authentic in the moment, and see where life takes us.